Friends say hard things

To my kids:

God has put you in a prime position to make a significant difference in a friend’s life.  There are those moments when you’ll find yourself needing to be a source of 2 things: 1) Encouragment and 2) Challenge.  I want to speak to the later.

Recently I had to approach a good friend and challenge them on how they were acting.  They’re going through a particularly stressful season and the angst was sloshing out into the relationships around them.  Because of my role in their life and the level of access they have granted me, it was my responsibility to respond to what I was seeing.  When I shared my observations they were at first defensive, but then grateful.  As we left the conversation they said, “Not to many people would risk this kind of conversation.  But I needed to hear it. Thanks.”

My hope is that you will be the kind of friend that can engage at this deep of a level.  These places are fertile for life long friendships that you will find invaluable.  Below are some thoughts about how to walk through one of these moments

Pray. Do not enter a conversation that is potential toxic until you’ve spent some solid time with God.  You need a moment to surrender, gain His courage and wisdom, and rest in His presence.  If you fail to do that, you will make a mess of things (trust me I know!).

The Moment. Ask God to show you when the moment is right.  Don’t manufacture it, step into it.

Don’t assume motives. This is a tripping point for everyone.  You might think you know why someone is acting a certain way…but you don’t.  So don’t assume you do.  No one has enough insights into another person’s soul to speak to their motives.  Only God does, don’t get in the way of His voice.

Be clear. These things are usually cloudy and have a tremendous amount of emotion in them.  So be clear with what you’ve noticed and leave it at that.  In fact, minimize your observations and learn to ask good questions.  For example, don’t say, “Wow you were a jerk to them. I can’t believe how mean you were.” vs. “Wow, not sure that was the best way of handling them.  What’s behind that?  What’s going on underneath?”

Affirm before you leave.  Don’t leave the conversation on a tone of, “I told you!”  Identify several things about your friend that you admire.  If you can’t do that, then you aren’t looking hard enough and you shouldn’t be having the conversation to begin with.

Good friends sharpen one another.  Challenging them and providing friction makes you and them a better person.  Oh, and some day, a good friend will do this to you.  If you position yourself to dish it out, be prepared to take it.